Leeds play QPR this Saturday in a fixture deemed good enough for Sky TV to move the kick off to 12:15. So in celebration of the fact that we are deemed worthy by those who created football back in 1992, we run you through what to expect from the weekend.
Pre-match
The bloke who used to present Blue Peter will be joined by a dedicated 'FL72' pundit, most probably Peter Beagrie and they will produce some inane chat before the game. You can expect to hear '9 seasons since Leeds were last in the Premier League' and a reference to off field troubles 'it really feels like a united Leeds again'. At this point Ken Bates will be mentioned and Beags may share a funny Ken Bates anecdote with us. Or maybe not. This will link seamlessly as they go from one owner to the next and they will inevitably mention QPR's high wage bill funded by Tony Fernandes. QPR's relegation will be mentioned repeatedly as if there is nothing but a bleak wilderness below the footballing utopia of the EPL.
First Half
Here you can look forward to some good old WAHLS in the form of Don Goodman/ Gary Birtles who are equally pre disposed against Leeds. Scott Wootton may play and the electric commentating duo will be quick to mention the fact that he used to play 'across the penines' and will no doubt declare that 'he will have to win over an Elland Road crowd that count Manchester United as one of their great rivals'. If a crowd can accept El-Hadji Diouf, then I'm sure they can accept Scott Wootton. Leeds will concede a corner and Leeds' lack of height will be referenced. Matt Phillips will take the corner and it will be finished by Charlie Austin, prompting Goodman to say 'that's why they paid multi millions for those two' and Austin will no doubt be described as 'the man to fire them back into the Premier League'. Alternatively they may opt for, 'not bad for a man who was playing non league football x amount of years ago' Goodman will then chip in with 'just look at Rickie Lambert' in the most patronising way possible. Tom Lees will play a long ball to Luke Varney who will chase it down, he won't get there, but it doesn't matter as Varney is a 'good honest pro'. In midfield, Rudy Austin will run the risk of ending a QPR player's career before launching the ball out of play. For this he will be praised e.g. 'that's why McDermott made him captain', 'he really puts himself about doesn't he' or 'an example of the blood and thunder of the lower leagues'.
Half time
Expect more of the same as QPR's 'galacticos' are 'adjusting well to life in the Championship' as Beagrie and Thomas fill the void between two ad breaks. Chris Kamara and a shouty Italian will tell you to visit the 'Oddsfather' and Ray Winstone will tell you that Ross McCormack is 10/1 to be Leeds' next goalscorer, 'av a bang on that!'.
Second Half
At some point during the half, Luke Murphy will get on the ball and immediately it will be mentioned that he is Leeds' 'first million pound signing since 2005'. Ross McCormack will then score a wonderful goal to level the tie but Don will still look for a negative, piping up with, 'the keeper looked a little unsighted' or 'unlucky on QPR considering how well they have played', despite the fact that Leeds have dominated the second half. Dom Poleon will be brought on to replace Hunt/Varney and will and some stage will give away a free kick, prompting a tirade of abuse from the dynamic duo, 'needless foul', 'it's just unnecessary', 'immature play', 'needs to grow up' etc. The other substitution to be made will be Matt Smith coming on who 'is a big lad' and 'will offer us something different', because Sky are the only ones enlightened enough to have the ability to distinguish the height of a player. Later in the half, the camera will pan to El-Hadji Diouf, who is seemingly Don's favourite ever player, he told us against Sheffield Wednesday that every game he'd been to last year, 'Diouf was the best player on the park', obviously forgetting the fact that Sam Byram, Tom Lees and numerous others had a bigger impact on our season. For the winner, Stephen Warnock will cross the ball in to Matt Smith, who will provide the finish. Cue the remarks about Warnock's 'premier league' experience and maybe they will make a quip about Smith doing a degree at university. They will also note that the crowd celebrated a goal and they will say, as they always do, 'the roof has just been lifted off', despite the fact that if it was a 3 o'clock KO, another 5000-10000 fans would've been there.
Full time
Leeds have won the game to carry their unbeaten run, the chances of promotion will be mentioned and we will again be reminded that it is an 'unpredictable league'. With deadline day on the horizon, focus will be on Harry Redknapp and he will no doubt be looking 'at a number of players' because he is such a 'wheeler-dealer'. Back to the studio for the final time, expect something like 'it is a marathon, not a sprint', before 'You've got the love' blares out, putting you out of your misery.
Pre-match
The bloke who used to present Blue Peter will be joined by a dedicated 'FL72' pundit, most probably Peter Beagrie and they will produce some inane chat before the game. You can expect to hear '9 seasons since Leeds were last in the Premier League' and a reference to off field troubles 'it really feels like a united Leeds again'. At this point Ken Bates will be mentioned and Beags may share a funny Ken Bates anecdote with us. Or maybe not. This will link seamlessly as they go from one owner to the next and they will inevitably mention QPR's high wage bill funded by Tony Fernandes. QPR's relegation will be mentioned repeatedly as if there is nothing but a bleak wilderness below the footballing utopia of the EPL.
First Half
Here you can look forward to some good old WAHLS in the form of Don Goodman/ Gary Birtles who are equally pre disposed against Leeds. Scott Wootton may play and the electric commentating duo will be quick to mention the fact that he used to play 'across the penines' and will no doubt declare that 'he will have to win over an Elland Road crowd that count Manchester United as one of their great rivals'. If a crowd can accept El-Hadji Diouf, then I'm sure they can accept Scott Wootton. Leeds will concede a corner and Leeds' lack of height will be referenced. Matt Phillips will take the corner and it will be finished by Charlie Austin, prompting Goodman to say 'that's why they paid multi millions for those two' and Austin will no doubt be described as 'the man to fire them back into the Premier League'. Alternatively they may opt for, 'not bad for a man who was playing non league football x amount of years ago' Goodman will then chip in with 'just look at Rickie Lambert' in the most patronising way possible. Tom Lees will play a long ball to Luke Varney who will chase it down, he won't get there, but it doesn't matter as Varney is a 'good honest pro'. In midfield, Rudy Austin will run the risk of ending a QPR player's career before launching the ball out of play. For this he will be praised e.g. 'that's why McDermott made him captain', 'he really puts himself about doesn't he' or 'an example of the blood and thunder of the lower leagues'.
Half time
Expect more of the same as QPR's 'galacticos' are 'adjusting well to life in the Championship' as Beagrie and Thomas fill the void between two ad breaks. Chris Kamara and a shouty Italian will tell you to visit the 'Oddsfather' and Ray Winstone will tell you that Ross McCormack is 10/1 to be Leeds' next goalscorer, 'av a bang on that!'.
Second Half
At some point during the half, Luke Murphy will get on the ball and immediately it will be mentioned that he is Leeds' 'first million pound signing since 2005'. Ross McCormack will then score a wonderful goal to level the tie but Don will still look for a negative, piping up with, 'the keeper looked a little unsighted' or 'unlucky on QPR considering how well they have played', despite the fact that Leeds have dominated the second half. Dom Poleon will be brought on to replace Hunt/Varney and will and some stage will give away a free kick, prompting a tirade of abuse from the dynamic duo, 'needless foul', 'it's just unnecessary', 'immature play', 'needs to grow up' etc. The other substitution to be made will be Matt Smith coming on who 'is a big lad' and 'will offer us something different', because Sky are the only ones enlightened enough to have the ability to distinguish the height of a player. Later in the half, the camera will pan to El-Hadji Diouf, who is seemingly Don's favourite ever player, he told us against Sheffield Wednesday that every game he'd been to last year, 'Diouf was the best player on the park', obviously forgetting the fact that Sam Byram, Tom Lees and numerous others had a bigger impact on our season. For the winner, Stephen Warnock will cross the ball in to Matt Smith, who will provide the finish. Cue the remarks about Warnock's 'premier league' experience and maybe they will make a quip about Smith doing a degree at university. They will also note that the crowd celebrated a goal and they will say, as they always do, 'the roof has just been lifted off', despite the fact that if it was a 3 o'clock KO, another 5000-10000 fans would've been there.
Full time
Leeds have won the game to carry their unbeaten run, the chances of promotion will be mentioned and we will again be reminded that it is an 'unpredictable league'. With deadline day on the horizon, focus will be on Harry Redknapp and he will no doubt be looking 'at a number of players' because he is such a 'wheeler-dealer'. Back to the studio for the final time, expect something like 'it is a marathon, not a sprint', before 'You've got the love' blares out, putting you out of your misery.